I’ve always had this ‘Love/Hate’ relationship with my nose. It wasn’t until high school & someone made a passing comment and all of a sudden the thing on my face that I never really took much notice of, that helped me breathe, that every human being has… became this massive burden (quite literally) and reason why i wanted to put a bag over my head and apologise to anyone who i met, who didn’t know I hated my nose.
I felt like it should be the first thing I mentioned if anyone complimented me on how i looked; like ” you look pretty today!” “Oh thanks, shame about my nose though isn’t it”
My obsession got worse when social media exploded. Why did every one seem to have such perfect, in proportion features, while I looked like a human version of Squidward Tentacles, or in my head I certainly did anyway!
The more obsessed i was, the more self absorbed i became until one day, id just had enough! I booked myself into Transform and decided instead of hating it, I’d do something about it.
I remember the day of my consultation, filling in forms, 100% convinced this is what i wanted. I looked at posters doted around the room, girls in bikinis with their perfect bodies, implants and noses, they looked incredible! I wanted to look like that too.
After around a 20 minute wait i was called into the room, greeted by a well dressed, attractive young girl. We got talking about why i wanted the procedure, she admitted she had also had a nose job and implants and got the job working with the company because she loved the work they had done on her & wanted other girls to go to the best clinic, like she had!
I booked a second consultation, this time it would be with the male surgeon who’d be hacking my nose off and making it instapretty, I’d also have portfolio pictures taken of my nose from different angles so I could see the difference before & after the operation- from squidward to socially acceptable, I was excited!
Once home, I told Andy (my now husband) about what was discussed at the clinic…he looked absoultey horrified! He was completey against me having any cosmetic work done and after hearing the ins & outs, convinced me to research further into the complications that can happen post surgery.
I agreed, after all, it was alot of money to be spending on myself and I couldn’t exactly hide my nose if anything went wrong with it being bang in the middle of my face!!
That night I went to town researching all the horror stories i could. Post op nasal drips, the tip looking unnatural and raising more than was meant too giving a snout like appearance, breathing problems, holes in septum, recurring nose bleeds, permanent numbness along with people hating their new nose and wishing they had never messed with it to begin with.
I was starting to worry, but not enough to change my mind.
I went along to the second consultation. The male surgeon was nice yet very blunt. He also told me about the complications that can come with the surgery and while waffling on about all the technical terms looked me straight in the eye and said “Your nose is perfectly in proportion with your face, you have a slight dorsal hump, all we would do is shave the bone to make it straighter, but from a professional point of view, you don’t need the surgery”
I was abit taken back, wouldn’t the surgeon just want my money anyway? Why was he trying to sway my opinion? but once he had described the only thing he would do is shave the bone of my nose and it cost me just under 5 grand, I really didn’t know how i could justify that to my family.
He also suggested i should look into the term “Body dismorphia”and see if I had similar parallels to what body dismorphics had. The irony of being told i may suffer from poor body image by a person who literally makes a living off other peoples insecuritys was real, but i appreciated his honesty. I did use to get fixated about different things on myself, to the point id be completely disgusted at my own appearance. I did feel the need to apologise about how i looked to random people. Whatever I hated about myself at any given time magnified greatly.
Even so, I signed the deposit over…convinced it was still what i wanted to do…£500, there was no backing out now.
I got home and “Forgot to mention” what the surgeon had told me to Andy, he didn’t need anymore ammunition to convince me I shouldn’t go ahead.
That night I got into bed with my son while settling him. I remember stroking my finger down his perfect little nose, all his perfectly in proportion features, I could feel he had a slight dorsal hump on his nose too! I’d never noticed it before. Why would i, he was my perfect little creation who i adored & it didn’t matter how his nose looked because to me, he is perfect.
Then out of no where he looked at me and said,
Nothing like the sweet words of a 3 and a half year old bringing you smack down to reality.
Why did it matter how much others liked me? I’d been so wrapped up & self absorbed id neglected to appericate the people who matter most, who loved me as i was & carried my quirky identity traits on their face,one’s I should be proud of, not ashamed. Maybe I did have body dismorphia or maybe I just had warped views of how i should conform to the body image expectations of people i didn’t even know nor care about. My son loves me, My husband loves me…Why am I seeking approval off strangers. Everything that mattered, was right infront of me & didn’t cost a thing!
I cancelled the operation the next day. Id lost my £500 deposit but realised what money couldn’t buy was self acceptance & real inner happiness.Id never be Britain’s next top model, but I’d be a top mum, quirky & £5000 better off.