The Gigolo

Ever read a book so much that you know it off by heart?

That’s how I feel about the children’s book, The Gruffalo! So being the immature person i am, I decided to give it a scouse twist. I apologise now for what you’re about to read 😂

A cougar took a stroll through the deep dark hood,

A builder saw the cougar and the cougar looked good,

“Ey, where are you going to, ya little fitty?

Ya not married are ya? Coz that be a pity!”

“Do one would ya, I’m not married no- but I’m about to have lunch with my Gigolo!”

“A Gigolo? What’s a Gigolo?”

“Are you soft or something, don’t you know?

“He takes me out, we have a laugh, I pay him when I’m done, then he leaves my gaff”

“Where are you meeting him?”

“Here, by this bus stop,

And he hates builders, so off you pop!”

“He sounds like a crank” the builder replied.

“By the time he’s thirty, you’ll probably of died!”

“Silly old builder, doesn’t he know,

He finds me proper sexy, my Gigolo!”

On went the cougar through the deep dark hood,

A group of scals saw the cougar, and the cougar looked good.

“EY, Dya fancy a backy on my scrambler bike?

This roads all up hill, it’s a proper hike!”

“It FRIGHTFULLY kind of you lads, but no, coz im about to have lunch with my Gigolo!”

“EEEEE, A Gigolo!, ey lad, shes got a Gigolo…

Mate, what’s a Gigolo?!

“Ahh lad,didn’t you know?

It’s a fella who gets with a bird older then him,

But like in a sexual way and she pays for him to stick it in.

” Are you meeting him ere? ”

” Yes, just by this rock”

“And he swings both ways, so he might grab your…”

“NO CHANCE, IM GOING” and off they all sped

Missing out on lunch & being properly fed.

“Silly little scallys, didn’t they know,

Extras are free with my Gigolo!”

On went the cougar through the deep dark hood.

Her ex saw the cougar and thought she looked good!

“Fancy seeing you ere, shall we go on a date?

Accidentally swiped ya on tinder, so I reckon its fate!”

The cougar carried on walking, while shouting “Nooo!”

But thought she’d best not mention her Gigolo.

Who had an athletic body, nice white teeth, not to mention down there was packing some beef!

Silly old ex, doesn’t he know-

She could actually get a good service with her Gigolo.

But who is this creature with terrible claws,

And terrible teeth in his terrible jaws?

He has knobbly knees and seems sickly thin?

He looks just about fit for the bin!

His eyes are blood shot, his hair wet with grease,

He’s wearing a black bobbly fleece.

His fashion is awful, he smells really bad”


The cougar ran away in panic and fright!

She’d payed via PayPal so knew she’d be alright.

Past the ex, the scals & the builder too,

Hiding her face and off she flew,

Then, all was quiet in the deep dark hood,

The cougar got a refund and the refund felt good.

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