10 ways having children change your life.

The good ways.

The bad ways.

and the damn right ugly ways.

If you are like me, a parent of one or more, you’ll know by now the impact having children has on your life.

Its not like a small bump in the road, its like a nuclear explosion of sick, poo, mess and hissy fits.

It changes every single section of your life, from intimacy with your partner to taking 10 hours to leave the house for a 2 minute drive to the food store because your kid wants to put their shoes on by themselves or wants to take Big Head Ted and chums on the car journey. Oh, the joys.

I never really expected the impact to be so big! i stupidly thought i could have one child or more and still lead the selfish lifestyle i wanted…who did i think i was? Kimmy K??!

Reality hit me like a projectile sick up to the face! It was a shock to the system yet warming all at the same time.

Life was now an endless battle of trying not to be late, have money and do fun things all at the same time so the children wouldn’t miss out.

It was a circus act of juggling multiple tasks/jobs while trying to stay focused, cool, calm and collected, until a ball hits you in the eye and life crashes down around you and you realise thats just motherhood! Thats just being a parent.

Its unpredictable, its time consuming, its rewarding, its everything i wasn’t before and everything i am now and couldn’t imagine it being any other way.

So here are: 10 ways having children affect your life.

1) Goodbye sleep, forever.

I know people say you will never sleep the same again after children & i mostly think this is a mother thing as it seems my husband could sleep through a nuclear war yet i could wake at the smallest whisper from one of my children, but sleep-oh how i miss you! My body clock is now set at 6.30am no matter how much i try to lie in, even if the children are sleeping out it seems my body no longer cares. Up and down through out the night to check they are tucked up warm, or being a servant to my son demanding water and then to be taken to the toliet, not to mention how you worry when one is poorly or how pissed off you get when one has a cough 😏 These bags under my eyes are not chanel, they are netto bags with holes in them.

2) Sex, What sex? (sorry mums, skip to number 3)

I feel i should just leave this blank and the silence will illustrate my sex life after 2 children…

Its not that there isn’t time, but the time where we could be, i could also be sleeping- sleeping is super satisfying also, yes, lets just sleep and then technically we will be “sleeping together”

I promise not all these points are going to be about sleep. Zzzzz.

3) Weekends are spent in indoor play areas rather than night clubs and you wonder when your life got so insane.

I hate the places! But i also hate a messy house and broken furniture so id rather let my son run riot in a supervised (by others) play area until he is absoutley shattered and i feel like i am winning at parenthood! until i realise i am in bed by 8pm asleep again and it was me who was more worn out than him! how does that happen and why am i mentioning sleep again?!

4) Your hand bag becomes a toy box and bin.

Rotten apple cores, action men, dummies, snotty tissues, pieces of unsigned school letters used as gum wrappers, you name it, my bag has it! its a hazard zone of toxic chemicals and i daily wonder how i am not dead from the harbouring bacteria breeding in there. If you think that’s gross? you obviously aren’t ready to become a parent because MY GOD it gets worse! so much worse!

5) A short family outing becomes a full days work just to leave the house.

Hello, my name is little miss always late and if you want to pass comment on that fact, please don’t unless you want me to unleash my 4 hour trying to get everything and everyone together- rage out on you. The minute you are ready to leave my son will annouce he needs a poo, then once he has spent 20 minutes singing to himself on the toliet my husband will annouce he is hungry! so once food has been made the baby will decide now is the time to projectile vomit all down her fresh clothes… and by the time we are ready to leave again, it will be 4 hours later, pointless and Mummy will be oh so very unpleasant.

6) Your life becomes a routine of cleaning the house and tidying- and arguing.

in fact,everything becomes a routine. Nothing is random, nothing is spontaneous, everything to toliet breaks and even arguements need to be set to a very fine routine of daily repeating the same thing over and over and over…. who’s doing the dishes tonight? que the same argument you had the night before. Did you buy milk? que the same argument you had the last time you asked that question 10 minutes previous…#blessed

7) You eat what the kids eat and your diet becomes a daily packed lunch of picky foods and purfied baby jars.

And then i wonder where the weight gain comes from? while eating my own 3 meals a day and also helping my kids eat theres while slowly turning into Jabba the hut but trying to teach them how to have a good diet and have pride in their appearance. LOL.

8) Forget about singing to your own music, if you don’t know every jingle on Cbeebies/childrens TV in general, your parenting wrong.

Seriously, i sing at least once a day Mr Tumble or pepper pig while cleaning the house,including the “snort” sound at the end. If you havent had a moment where you want to volley yourself in the head because you can’t stop singing Mr Bloom you are not parenting right….and by parenting right i mean driving yourself insane just because you like to torture yourself on the daily for fun and keep an easy life by letting the TV entertain your child while you do the dishes your husband said he would do the night before.

9) Phantom crys….you can’t even enjoy a bath anymore.

You know the one, you decide to get a relaxing bath. Both the kids are in bed, you get candles, bubbles, a glass of wine as big as your head….you sink under the water into the abyss…and then “WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT? DID I JUST HEAR MY NAME?” out you shoot, wine spilling in the water, you let out a whimper, slipping and sliding into both bedrooms, naked, to check all is well….all IS well, both children are still fast asleep! Yet your brain is an arse and won’t let you wind down, phantom crys all being down to your imagination….having kids literally send you crazy.

10) What did i do before the children?

You hear that said alot, but its true! you forget the lifestyle you led before- yes you did have freedom, but now in this constant routine you lead, this is your life now and its strangely fun. Watching two miniature people you created grow, although exhausting is exhilarating at the same time.

No i can’t just go out on the lash at any given moment.

No i can’t just book a random girls holiday.

No i can’t just spend what i earn on myself.

But once your life direction changes, so do your aspirations and goals.

Once you have children, they consume every inch of your being.

Do i sometimes miss the life i had before? Not really, because like i said previously- I can’t even remember what i use to do…probably sleep…Alot.

Does it affect you and your partner, defiantly! it can divide but it can also bring you closer together. Its a growing and learning experience.

Would i change any of this, despite everything i have said?

Defiantly Not.

My children make me proud everyday.

They also make me crazy everyday but that’s just the fun filled world of parenting.

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